Sunday, January 11, 2015

When My Close Family Friends Divorce I Can't Help But To Consider "What Could I Have Done To Help?"

Recently my wife told me that a pair of family friends have chosen to get a divorce.  

This couple who was once the core of our "house party circuit" seemed to be happy together.  They had a bond that produced 3 children and an upper-middle class amount of comfortable living.

When they moved away a few years ago - under the guise of a "job promotion" I called them brave for "Following Their Dreams".    Now I wonder if they moved in order to "disconnect" from their network of friends  (Us) so that they can either "work it out" or "go their own separate ways".

I have some other group of friends who I met in college and they all settled in the metro-Atlanta area.   Over time we gathered together for house-parties and to watch "Mike Tyson" destroy his adversaries - and for membership in an "Investment Club" - back when the "Internet Bubble" had made it easy to make you believe that you were an "expert stock analyst".

The subsequent years in which we "got married", "had children" and, in some cases, moved to a larger house - all worked to reduce the number of occasions that we'd get together at a "house party".
In some cases I am astounded and anger that they "little baby" is now a teenager.   How did a person who I spent nearly every weekend with fall out of my "inner circle"?


Updated today - the news that these close friends are now parting ways "hurts me inside".

"What if my wife and I worked harder to break out of our own shell to reach out to these friends?  Would this have been the spark to keep them together?"   A question that a lot of "children of divorce" ask relative to their parents.


There is no question that when friends come to my own house - it draws us all away from our "individual televisions" into the family room.   We play "dominoes"and "bingo" (or any other cheap game I purchase at Wal-Mart/Toys R Us), fight over a movie to watch on "Netflix" before reaching "cross-generational agreement".  But most of all the CONVERSATION is key.

I hear my wife tell me details about her recent experiences that she did not describe for me.  It is also true that I am guilty of the same.    The point is that you can learn more details about your "life partner" by having a person from another time in their lives - coming for a visit and provoking the MEMORIES that your own conversations did not provoke for discussion.

If there is any solace to the end of these married relationships - it is that I can think of none of my friends who divorced with "elementary school aged children" still at home.   At worse - they part ways when the kids are in high school, but most frequently it is after the kids have left for college.

I know none of them in which "physical violence" or abuse was the issue that broke them apart.  The quest for "happiness" beyond the frequent arguments and also "infidelity" appear to be the primary points of separation.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Not all marriages are meant to last a lifetime.

Were that the case, we'd miss out on all the various reasons for which we incarnated this time around.